My main focus right now is mastering surrender.
There's something I have to get off my chest.
I'm not a content person.
I'm not as happy as you might perceive me.
I struggle with mental health.
I struggle with knowing if I'm doing enough for the world.
Reading world news fills me with an anxiety that follows me through my day.
My patient's stories of grief often ruin my shift.
The state of our earth and its' unhappy inhabitants weigh me down.
I often wonder if I'm too soft for the world of nursing. I can throw on a tough face. I can wipe a stray tear as I comfort the family, and act like that's the last tear I'll shed that day. I'll stand up for my patients. I'll call doctors and demand they come take another look. I can pump out chest compressions and run for crash carts and push epi. But I'm soft. I often cry all the way home. I sit in my vehicle and cry out to God and shake with the realization that one day this life will take away someone I love. It already has. I listen to praise songs and think about heaven and search like a starving child for some peace in this turmoil.
I am a child of God, but I long for the peace of surrender. I'm quick to seek Jesus, but often it seems life's crises are faster.
My heart is weak, and often it seems my soul is too.
So I'm mastering surrender. That's my goal.
They say it only takes 21 days to create a habit.
But surrender in 21 days? That seems so rigid. So impossible. But that's my human mind thinking. It knows so little. It grasps only a sliver of what our God is capable of. It knows nothing of peace and surrender. But oh. It will.
Already it chants, day after day. As I pull weeds from my strawberries. Surrender. As I watch a strong young man's shoulders sag with the realization of his diagnosis. Surrender. As the thunderheads roll in, again. Surrender.
There's a song I love called Even If. It's sang by MercyMe. Its' message speaks what my soul longs to say:
I know You're able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand But even if You don't My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith To move a mountain Well good thing A little faith is all I have, right now But God, when You choose To leave mountains unmovable Oh give me the strength to be able to sing It is well with my soul
My main focus right now is mastering surrender.
xoxo